Re-Inventing Myself

Photo by Victor Rugg

Re-Inventing Myself 

by Wafa Faith Hallam

March 10, 2016

How is it that some people know what they want early on and happily stick with it all their lives while others, like me, keep jumping ship looking for something else? Throughout my life, I searched for more prompted to move on by an irrepressible need that was largely unconscious. Until now! This time, the year of a special birthday, I am once again reinventing myself.  Only now, I’m following my passion, grateful that my journey led to my awakening.

 
I was born and raised in Morocco. My mother was married at 13 against her will to my father who was 20 years older and a devout Muslim. I was the oldest of 4 children. Despite her traditional upbringing and marriage, my mother enrolled me and my siblings in French schools and raised us in a Western lifestyle.

I was barely 18, when I dropped out of my senior year of High School, and left Morocco with my boyfriend to travel the world while selling French books. My voyage of discovery lasted 4 years and took me to dozens of countries in Europe, the Middle East and Africa. I made good money and helped both my parents, but soon I realized I wanted more. I wanted to go to university.  So I returned to Morocco just long enough to graduate High School and decided, on a whim, to learn English in London for 6 months, not knowing then that America will be my next destination.

I arrived in Florida that same year in September 1980 to attend college. I was 24. Within a year I met my future husband and I got a BA with Honors from the University of Florida in less than 3 years. I was then awarded a generous Fellowship to attend NYU Grad School where I earned a Master’s and completed the PhD course work, exams and research for a doctoral dissertation on Terrorism; which I never finished because I became a mother and my marriage was falling apart; but mostly because I suffered from academic burnout and had to move on.

After the birth of my only child, Sophia, and before my divorce was finalized, I was hired by Merrill Lynch as a financial advisor. I started at the bottom, passed the licensing exams and survived the grueling task of building a client base. I was lucky to arrive on Wall Street at a time when women had started to fight back against its notoriously male-dominated culture and the ongoing discrimination and sexual harassment they had endured for decades. Thanks to their courage, my personal experience was mostly positive and within 5 years I had over 200 Million Dollars of clients’ assets under management and made a quarter of a million dollars a year.

 

This Arab-Muslim girl had achieved the American Dream!

Only the dream came to an end abruptly! My mother who had come to America soon after I moved to New York City became very ill. That was followed by the spectacular collapse of the Tech Bubble, the 9/11 attack and the war in Iraq; all of which affected me deeply.  Within two years, I went from being on top of the world to crashing emotionally and physically.  I struggled with anxiety and depression and I had to quit my high paying job. When my mother passed away in the spring of 2004, I was reduced to rubbles. The only thing that kept me going was Sophia, now a teenager.  

When I began writing my memoir, a couple of years later, I was still in the grip of emotional misery and utter confusion. I knew what I did not want but I simply had no clue about what I wanted. All my life I had believed I could control events and conditions around me with hard work and the power of my intellect and reason.  I ignored my intuition, my feelings and deepest soul longings because they were not deemed ingredients for success. I jumped into situations because I had to make a living and support my family, not because I was inspired. I approached crises from a place of fear and experienced relentless stress. It almost killed me.

That’s when I was introduced to a book that shifted my perception of myself and the world around me. That book —“The New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle — and the many spiritual works that I devoured after that, marked the beginning of my Awakening. When Sophia started college in 2009, I moved on again. Only this time I saw it as the beginning of a new dawn; I was conscious of my motives and mindful of my feelings.

My move to the East End was a great blessing. The closeness to the Ocean and the Bays and the seasonal rhythms of nature were a powerful healing force, as was the cathartic effect of completing my book “The Road from Morocco”.  By the time, it was published, I was fully immersed in the process of un-learning and de-programming my hard drive from everything I had based my life on, the ego traps that left me always empty, and the belief systems that kept me always wanting. That inner journey I also found was not a smooth path. It’s fraught with many setbacks and triumphs, it is a lifelong practice.

For the last three years I ran a gallery in my village and at the beginning of the year, I knew I had to move on. I surrendered more fear and when the opportunity presented itself, I walked away from that job because this time I knew it was a roadblock and would not lead me in the direction of my heart’s desire, which is now clear to me to BE a full time author, inspirational coach and motivational speaker.

Does that mean I reached my goal? Of course not! 

Mine is forever a voyage of expansion without a destination!

Let me leave you with this: Have FUN. Learn to enjoy the journey, embrace the unknown, expect new opportunities, and choose to be happy NOW regardless of your circumstances.

Finally, BELIEVE that everything you want comes to you when you are fulfilled within.

In that respect, I have truly re-invented myself.  

Wafa Faith Hallam is the author of The Road from Morocco, a highly personal memoir available in print, ebook and Audiobook on Amazon, Audible & iTunes.  Wafa is a writer, spiritual coach and motivational speaker. Her upcoming book focuses on the importance of emotional growth and spiritual expansion as a basis for lasting happiness and peace. She has a Masters Degree in Middle Eastern Studies from New York University. Wafa lives in Sag Harbor, NY